THE INIMITABLE JEEVES
PART 8
CHAPTER VIII
SIR RODERICK COMES TO LUNCH
I had met Sir
Roderick Glossop before, of course, but only when I was with Honoria; and there
is something about Honoria which makes almost anybody you meet in the same room
seem sort of under-sized and trivial by comparison. I had never realised till
this moment what an extraordinarily formidable old bird he was. He had a pair
of shaggy eyebrows which gave his eyes a piercing look which was not at all the
sort of thing a fellow wanted to encounter on an empty stomach. He was fairly
tall and fairly broad, and he had the most enormous head, with practically no
hair on it, which made it seem bigger and much more like the dome of St.
Paul's. I suppose he must have taken about a nine or something in hats. Shows
what a rotten thing it is to let your brain develop too much.
"What ho! What ho! What ho!" I
said, trying to strike the genial note, and then had a sudden feeling that that
was just the sort of thing I had been warned not to say. Dashed difficult it is
to start things going properly on an occasion like this. A fellow living in a
London flat is so handicapped. I mean to say, if I had been the young squire
greeting the visitor in the country, I could have said, "Welcome to Meadowsweet
Hall!" or something zippy like that. It sounds silly to say "Welcome
to Number A, Crichton Mansions, Berkeley Street,
W."
"I am afraid I am a little late,"
he said, as we sat down. "I was detained at my club by Lord Alastair
Hungerford, the Duke of Ramfurline's son. His Grace, he informed me, had
exhibited a renewal of the symptoms which have been causing the family so much
concern. I could not leave him immediately. Hence my unpunctuality, which I
trust has not discommoded you."
"Oh, not at all. So the Duke is off
his rocker, what?"
"The expression which you use is not
precisely the one I should have employed myself with reference to the head of
perhaps the noblest family in England, but there is no doubt that cerebral
excitement does, as you suggest, exist in no small degree." He sighed as
well as he could with his mouth full of cutlet. "A profession like mine is
a great strain, a great strain."
"Must be."
"Sometimes I am appalled at what I see
around me." He stopped suddenly and sort of stiffened. "Do you keep a
cat, Mr. Wooster?"
"Eh? What? Cat? No, no cat."
"I was conscious of a distinct
impression that I had heard a cat mewing either in the room or very near to
where we are sitting."
"Probably a taxi or something in the
street."
"I fear I do not follow you."
"I mean to say, taxis squawk, you
know. Rather like cats in a sort of way."
"I had not observed the
resemblance," he said, rather coldly.
"Have some lemon-squash," I said.
The conversation seemed to be getting rather difficult.
"Thank you. Half a glassful, if I
may." The hell-brew appeared to buck him up, for he resumed in a slightly
more pally manner. "I have a particular dislike for cats. But I was
saying—— Oh, yes. Sometimes I am positively appalled at what I see around me.
It is not only the cases which come under my professional notice, painful as
many of those are. It is what I see as I go about London. Sometimes it seems to
me that the whole world is mentally unbalanced. This very morning, for example,
a most singular and distressing occurrence took place as I was driving from my
house to the club. The day being clement, I had instructed my chauffeur to open
my landaulette, and I was leaning back, deriving no little pleasure from the
sunshine, when our progress was arrested in the middle of the thoroughfare by
one of those blocks in the traffic which are inevitable in so congested a
system as that of London."
I suppose I had been letting my mind wander
a bit, for when he stopped and took a sip of lemon-squash I had a feeling that
I was listening to a lecture and was expected to say something.
"Hear, hear!" I said.
"I beg your pardon?"
"Nothing, nothing. You were
saying——"
"The vehicles proceeding in the
opposite direction had also been temporarily arrested, but after a moment they
were permitted to proceed. I had fallen into a meditation, when suddenly the
most extraordinary thing took place. My hat was snatched abruptly from my head!
And as I looked back I perceived it being waved in a kind of feverish triumph
from the interior of a taxicab, which, even as I looked, disappeared through a
gap in the traffic and was lost to sight."
I didn't laugh, but I distinctly heard a
couple of my floating ribs part from their moorings under the strain.
"Must have been meant for a practical
joke," I said. "What?"
This suggestion didn't seem to please the
old boy.
"I trust," he said, "I am
not deficient in an appreciation of the humorous, but I confess that I am at a
loss to detect anything akin to pleasantry in the outrage. The action was
beyond all question that of a mentally unbalanced subject. These mental lesions
may express themselves in almost any form. The Duke of Ramfurline, to whom I
had occasion to allude just now, is under the impression—this is in the
strictest confidence—that he is a canary; and his seizure to-day, which so
perturbed Lord Alastair, was due to the fact that a careless footman had
neglected to bring him his morning lump of sugar. Cases are common, again, of
men waylaying women and cutting off portions of their hair. It is from a branch
of this latter form of mania that I should be disposed to imagine that my
assailant was suffering. I can only trust that he will be placed under proper
control before he—— Mr. Wooster, there is a cat close at hand! It is not
in the street! The mewing appears to come from the adjoining room."
*
* *
* *
This time I had to admit there was no doubt
about it. There was a distinct sound of mewing coming from the next room. I
punched the bell for Jeeves, who drifted in and stood waiting with an air of
respectful devotion.
"Sir?"
"Oh, Jeeves," I said. "Cats!
What about it? Are there any cats in the flat?"
"Only the three in your bedroom,
sir."
"What!"
"Cats in his bedroom!" I heard
Sir Roderick whisper in a kind of stricken way, and his
eyes hit me amidships like a couple of bullets.
"What do you mean," I said,
"only the three in my bedroom?"
"The black one, the tabby and the
small lemon-coloured animal, sir."
"What on earth?——"
I charged round the table in the direction
of the door. Unfortunately, Sir Roderick had just decided to edge in that
direction himself, with the result that we collided in the doorway with a good
deal of force, and staggered out into the hall together. He came smartly out of
the clinch and grabbed an umbrella from the rack.
"Stand back!" he shouted, waving
it overhead. "Stand back, sir! I am armed!"
It seemed to me that the moment had come to
be soothing.
"Awfully sorry I barged into
you," I said. "Wouldn't have had it happen for worlds. I was just
dashing out to have a look into things."
He appeared a trifle reassured, and lowered
the umbrella. But just then the most frightful shindy started in the bedroom.
It sounded as though all the cats in London, assisted by delegates from
outlying suburbs, had got together to settle their differences once for all. A
sort of augmented orchestra of cats.
"This noise is unendurable,"
yelled Sir Roderick. "I cannot hear myself speak."
"I fancy, sir," said Jeeves
respectfully, "that the animals may have become somewhat exhilarated as
the result of having discovered the fish under Mr. Wooster's bed."
The old boy tottered.
"Fish! Did I hear you rightly?"
"Sir?"
"Did you say that there was a fish
under Mr. Wooster's bed?"
"Yes, sir."
Sir Roderick gave a low moan, and reached
for his hat and stick.
"You aren't going?" I said.
"Mr. Wooster, I am going! I
prefer to spend my leisure time in less eccentric society."
"But I say. Here, I must come with
you. I'm sure the whole business can be explained. Jeeves, my hat."
Jeeves rallied round. I took the hat from
him and shoved it on my head.
"Good heavens!"
Beastly shock it was! The bally thing had
absolutely engulfed me, if you know what I mean. Even as I was putting it on I
got a sort of impression that it was a trifle roomy; and no sooner had I let go
of it than it settled down over my ears like a kind of extinguisher.
"I say! This isn't my hat!"
"It is my hat!" said Sir
Roderick in about the coldest, nastiest voice I'd ever heard. "The hat
which was stolen from me this morning as I drove in my car."
"But——"
I suppose Napoleon or somebody like that
would have been equal to the situation, but I'm bound to say it was too much
for me. I just stood there goggling in a sort of coma, while the old boy lifted
the hat off me and turned to Jeeves.
"I should be glad, my man," he
said, "if you would accompany me a few yards down the street. I wish to
ask you some questions."
"Very good, sir."
"Here, but, I say——!" I began,
but he left me standing. He stalked out, followed by Jeeves. And at that
moment the row in the bedroom started again, louder than ever.
I was about fed up with the whole thing. I
mean, cats in your bedroom—a bit thick, what? I didn't know how the dickens
they had got in, but I was jolly well resolved that they weren't going to stay
picknicking there any longer. I flung open the door. I got a momentary flash of
about a hundred and fifteen cats of all sizes and colours scrapping in the
middle of the room, and then they all shot past me with a rush and out of the
front door; and all that was left of the mob-scene was the head of a whacking
big fish, lying on the carpet and staring up at me in a rather austere sort of
way, as if it wanted a written explanation and apology.
There was something about the thing's expression
that absolutely chilled me, and I withdrew on tiptoe and shut the door. And, as
I did so, I bumped into someone.
"Oh, sorry!" he said.
I spun round. It was the pink-faced
chappie, Lord Something or other, the fellow I had met with Claude and Eustace.
"I say," he said apologetically,
"awfully sorry to bother you, but those weren't my cats I met just now
legging it downstairs, were they? They looked like my cats."
"They came out of my bedroom."
"Then they were my cats!"
he said sadly. "Oh, dash it!"
"Did you put cats in my bedroom?"
"Your man, what's-his-name, did. He
rather decently said I could keep them there till my train went. I'd just come
to fetch them. And now they've gone! Oh, well, it can't be helped, I suppose.
I'll take the hat and the fish, anyway."
I was beginning to dislike this chappie.
"Did you put that bally fish there,
too?"
"No, that was Eustace's. The hat was
Claude's."
I sank limply into a chair.
"I say, you couldn't explain this,
could you?" I said. The chappie gazed at me in mild surprise.
"Why, don't you know all about it? I
say!" He blushed profusely. "Why, if you don't know about it, I
shouldn't wonder if the whole thing didn't seem rummy to you."
"Rummy is the word."
"It was for The Seekers, you
know."
"The Seekers?"
"Rather a blood club, you know, up at
Oxford, which your cousins and I are rather keen on getting into. You have to
pinch something, you know, to get elected. Some sort of a souvenir, you know. A
policeman's helmet, you know, or a door-knocker or something, you know. The
room's decorated with the things at the annual dinner, and everybody makes
speeches and all that sort of thing. Rather jolly! Well, we wanted rather to
make a sort of special effort and do the thing in style, if you understand, so
we came up to London to see if we couldn't pick up something here that would be
a bit out of the ordinary. And we had the most amazing luck right from the
start. Your cousin Claude managed to collect a quite decent top-hat out of a
passing car, and your cousin Eustace got away with a really goodish salmon or
something from Harrods, and I snaffled three excellent cats all in the first
hour. We were fearfully braced, I can tell you. And then the difficulty was to
know where to park the things till our train went. You look so beastly
conspicuous, you know, tooling about London with a fish and a lot of cats. And
then Eustace remembered you, and we all came on here in a
cab. You were out, but your man said it would be all right. When we met you,
you were in such a hurry that we hadn't time to explain. Well, I think I'll be
taking the hat, if you don't mind."
"It's gone."
"Gone?"
"The fellow you pinched it from
happened to be the man who was lunching here. He took it away with him."
"Oh, I say! Poor old Claude will be
upset. Well, how about the goodish salmon or something?"
"Would you care to view the
remains?" He seemed all broken up when he saw the wreckage.
"I doubt if the committee would accept
that," he said sadly. "There isn't a frightful lot of it left,
what?"
"The cats ate the rest."
He sighed deeply.
"No cats, no fish, no hat. We've had
all our trouble for nothing. I do call that hard! And on top of that—I say, I
hate to ask you, but you couldn't lend me a tenner, could you?"
"A tenner? What for?"
"Well, the fact is, I've got to pop
round and bail Claude and Eustace out. They've been arrested."
"Arrested!"
"Yes. You see, what with the
excitement of collaring the hat and the salmon or something, added to the fact
that we had rather a festive lunch, they got a bit above themselves, poor
chaps, and tried to pinch a motor-lorry. Silly, of course, because I don't see
how they could have got the thing to Oxford and shown it to the committee.
Still, there wasn't any reasoning with them, and when the driver started making
a fuss, there was a bit of a mix-up, and Claude and Eustace are more or less languishing in Vine Street
police-station till I pop round and bail them out. So if you could manage a
tenner—Oh, thanks, that's fearfully good of you. It would have been too bad to
leave them there, what? I mean, they're both such frightfully good chaps, you
know. Everybody likes them up at the 'Varsity. They're fearfully popular."
"I bet they are!" I said.
*
* *
* *
When Jeeves came back, I was waiting for
him on the mat. I wanted speech with the blighter.
"Well?" I said.
"Sir Roderick asked me a number of
questions, sir, respecting your habits and mode of life, to which I replied
guardedly."
"I don't care about that. What I want
to know is why you didn't explain the whole thing to him right at the start? A
word from you would have put everything clear."
"Yes, sir."
"Now he's gone off thinking me a
looney."
"I should not be surprised, from his
conversation with me, sir, if some such idea had not entered his head."
I was just starting in to speak, when the
telephone bell rang. Jeeves answered it.
"No, madam, Mr. Wooster is not in. No,
madam, I do not know when he will return, No, madam, he left no message. Yes,
madam, I will inform him." He put back the receiver. "Mrs. Gregson,
sir."
Aunt Agatha! I had been expecting it. Ever
since the luncheon-party had blown out a fuse, her shadow had been hanging over
me, so to speak.
"Does she know? Already?"
"I gather that Sir Roderick has been
speaking to her on the telephone, sir, and——"
"No wedding bells for me, what?"
Jeeves coughed.
"Mrs. Gregson did not actually confide
in me, sir, but I fancy that some such thing may have occurred. She seemed
decidedly agitated, sir."
It's a rummy thing, but I'd been so
snootered by the old boy and the cats and the fish and the hat and the pink-faced
chappie and all the rest of it that the bright side simply hadn't occurred to
me till now. By Jove, it was like a bally weight rolling off my chest! I gave a
yelp of pure relief.
"Jeeves!" I said, "I believe
you worked the whole thing!"
"Sir?"
"I believe you had the jolly old
situation in hand right from the start."
"Well, sir, Spenser, Mrs. Gregson's
butler, who inadvertently chanced to overhear something of your conversation
when you were lunching at the house, did mention certain of the details to me;
and I confess that, though it may be a liberty to say so, I entertained hopes
that something might occur to prevent the match. I doubt if the young lady was
entirely suitable to you, sir."
"And she would have shot you out on
your ear five minutes after the ceremony."
"Yes, sir. Spenser informed me that
she had expressed some such intention. Mrs. Gregson wishes you to call upon her
immediately, sir."
"She does, eh? What do you advise,
Jeeves?"
"I think a trip abroad might prove
enjoyable, sir."
I shook my head. "She'd come after
me."
"Not if you went far enough afield,
sir. There are excellent boats leaving every Wednesday and Saturday for New
York."
